"In these bodies we will live.
In these bodies we will die.
Where you invest your love,
You invest your life.
...Awake My Soul!"
~ Mumford & Sons
Well it's probably no surprise to anyone for me to post a Mumford lyric as a representation of where I am or what I am feeling at any given time. The poets that they are always speak to me just when I need them. Much like The Avett Brothers (shout out to Amanda Baker and Joel Cox). These particular lyrics have for some time represented my journey, my path to fulfillment and peace. The words are the brushstrokes on the canvas of my life that tell of story of service and sacrifice but also of light and love.
My life has been full of many great joys and greater sorrows. I have been tried and tested. I faced many times the challenge of persevering under fire or choosing to give up and lose hope. Somehow I have always managed to choose to at least try to be happy. I am thankful that my will leans toward the positive and doesn't send me spiraling into darkness too much.
This past weekend was my mom's birthday. I celebrated her by sharing the story of who she was with my friend Laura during our afternoon coffee. It was good to talk about her and introduce her to someone new. I always feel her with me in my travels and in my work.
I feel my dad too. The stories I hear about who he was when he was an abled bodied man make me so proud to be his son. Even though I do not have that early developed bond with him because of how young I was when he was in his accident, the older I get the more connected I feel. It has helped to revive the connection with all my Bailey family, working to fill a puzzle piece of who I am. It's a gift, a true blessing. I want him to know that his legacy of giving to the world is one I treasure in my own steps.
When I lived in Ghana in 2012 it was one of the happiest times of my life. I was so engaged and committed to what I was doing and connected to myself in a healthy and pure way. It really created an understanding of the possibilities I have within me to be truly happy. My time back in the States in 2012 and 2013 were so full and quickly back to the routine of life in Austin. There were ups and downs for me to adjust with everything from community to access to lots of food and needed exercise. I had some personal highs and fulfillment but also some of the lowest lows I have ever had.
Why is it that we never really talk about the darkness in our lives? Why do we not ask for help or let people see our weakness? I am the worst at this. Part of my coping mechanism developed long ago was the form of "putting on the face." Just pretend everything is fine even if its not. I am terrible at letting people in to really seeing the messy parts of my life. I don't know if it is fear of someone seeing my imperfections or the raw vulnerability that they may not accept or love those parts. It is also this "Tim Bailey" persona that I expect of myself and think others expect of me. Would I still find love and acceptance if others truly knew or saw the shadows and the darkness?
I am human. I err. I make poor choices...sometimes really poor. I get depressed. My hope wains wanes. I give into the darkness. I seek comfort in bad habits...and yet find no comfort. This is my story...but also the story of the human experience. Yet, the one we don't talk about.
My time back in Austin over the past year and a half has been filled with lots of great times with friends and family. A new house. A new car. A great job. A great community. Yet still I struggled. I lost connection to myself. I let that bond developed deep within slip into a loose touch. The past few months have provided opportunities for me to truly experience vulnerability and full disclosure with people in my life that helped break down these walls I have built. And yet there is still some darkness. I realize that staying true to who you are, connected to yourself and truly happy is a continuous cycle of decisions...and it can really go either way.
During my first week in the field, while in the back of an SUV driving just over an hour down long, bumpy and curvy mountain roads, I had a moment. I was listening to my iPod and a song came on, a message. Words that pierced deep and pulled hard. It was truth. As I heard them, tears began streaming down my face.
"Get up,
get out,
get away from these liars
cause they don't get your soul or your fire.
Take my hand,
knot your fingers through mine
and we'll walk from this dark room
for the last time.
Every minute from this minute now
we can do what we like,
anywhere.
I want so much to
open your eyes
cause I need you to look
into mine."
~Snow Patrol
This was a message from me to me. A recognition of the darkness and the struggle in my life. It was about appreciating the goodness and the love in my life. It was about not bringing more hurt and pain into my life than already exists. It was about taking advantage of all the blessings and not taking them for granted. It was a moment of clarity and hope.
Now picture also that I am in the back of a car and Mulugeta is driving and Gebre (Glimmer Country Director) is in the front. I don't know that they noticed my tears or felt the energy of the moment, but it was realness happening in their midst. A reconnection to my core that I had longed to feel again. A moment of recommitment to show up for myself every day. The realization that there is no more important thing than this, to love yourself.
It doesn't matter what we all struggle with the reality is we all struggle and yet we so often don't allow others to fully support us along the way in the throws of the pain and uncertainty. This life is about the shared experiences of humanity. Its about living life to the fullest and honoring yourself in your decisions. The gift of friendship and family are the treasures of this life.
I feel it. Africa has done it yet again and shook me to my core. It has awoken my soul to the purity within me, the beauty around me, the understanding of hope and happiness, the joy in the struggle and the brilliance of community.
Reminding myself of these lessons will be a daily routine. I ask you (all of you out there) to help remind of them as well. Allow me to continue to invest in our relationship and not hold back. If we are in this together....we have to be ALL in!
I am thankful to those of you who are companions on this life journey and especially those of you who are reading these words. Your support, thoughts and love is life-giving.
And with the renewed energy...I walk on!
Tim
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